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Do You Love Being a Father? – YES With All of My Heart I Do

December 18, 2013

I’m not considered a father at all, but that does not preclude me from having three grown children and more than a dozen grandchildren.  The fact that I have nothing to do with my family has created havoc in my life.  None of my family ever communicate with me, which has been evident for decades.

Lately the matter grew worse when my mother died and we held a memorial service in her honor in Philadelphia’s Chestnut Hill.  I came back home briefly to share in the occasion.  It was hard to see my family and the community and devastating for everyone concerned.  I was reminded that I am a stranger and that sums up what has occurred over the years of my absence.  My children are all in their mid thirties, two women and a man.  Their struggles have persisted over decades.

My life has been shredded by the circumstances.  I do not trust anyone.  Not only did all of my family cease to relate to me but also all of my friends going back over a life time.  People who once has been valued companions left and would not entertain seeing me even though I struggled the rest of my life.

 

My grandson about to matriculate in a school to which many of my ancestors have been graduates and my oldest child, would not respond to my words of conciliation and congratulations.

I hope that someday one of them reads this message and understands the pain and harrowing life that I have led because I wanted more than anything to be with my family always.

 

I am not unusual in this situation. A number of fathers have been exiled from their communities and paid dearly for the loss.  If is retribution for my folly and lack of judgement it has worked its magic in poisoning me as a person. I am a stranger even to my life and will.  I do not recognize who I am without my loved ones. I do not belong anywhere.  I refuse to take care of myself as punishment for my mistakes.  There is no other way than this.  

 

Some people take pity or hope that I’ll change and set the sail right.  Some others look away and realize that I am shipwrecked in a prison on my own design, without bars, windows, and a way out.

 

I’m surprised that I lived this long without my family.  I preserved every ounce of courage hoping that one day you’d come through that door and hold me.  I withered away waiting.

 

It is of no use to apologize because what is done cannot be changed or affected.  I love them all with all of my spirit and sustenance, waiting for them to come home to the prodigal father has been the darkest moment of my life.

 

I cherish them all.  I wish them well in every way. I pray that none of them lives a life as much like mine as a reprobate.  I pray that when I am gone that there is no service, memorial, marker or anything to determine where I come from.  

 

I will go to sleep finally loving you all-embracing you all with all my heart.

 

I am very proud of my family and from this faraway place I salute you.

 

Being a Father
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One Comment leave one →
  1. December 20, 2013 8:41 pm

    it is hard at this time of the year being without your family. Always it is the same always an emptiness creeps in and you feel that this is madness living away from those who you ache to hold, listen to their voices, be close to sit down and enjoy a time to shoot the breeze, see when you wish and celebrate the changes of life. This has not been my lot in this world for twenty-five years. Sadly it is my fault. I lost whatever meant anything so long ago I don’t know anything else.

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