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October 13, 2016
My heart is broken
my life has been ill conceived
as long as I have been alive
I have lived on the edge of being fettered by my aching heart which has been cracked
bleeding for most of the time I have been alive
always solitary beaten down wondering what it was that makes any difference
there has never been a place to go to sit and set up a place to live
everything was always stored somewhere and lost repeatedly Being severely disabled has never been easy or satisfying
you’re always looking backward
wondering what you could have done to preserve a moment of peace sustenance and order
your life is measured in crises
 you feel as though you are self absorbed a drama person
 rebuking everything condemning your life of unquiet fear you feel insecure bereft
constantly  housed in an iron death mask 
wishing that you could somehow escape 
feeling alone  taken for granted superfluous
as though this was predictable from the outset
a person once admitted that she had a sense of  anxiety everywhere
 she hoarded everything even though there was no purpose to this extravagance 
she was filled with shame she isolated herself from the world no one ever came to see her 
she lost touch with everyone her own character her gifts as a living being no one was trusted
she receded into a dark place suffering deeply being condemned by health  human services treated as a hermit a vapid waif an unwanted child 
one day she drowned in her prison of fear closed her eyes wished that she was never more
in this fearful dark place she was living at the razor’s edge more inert confused spent than aware of the blessing
she was she had an epiphany at this narrowest place of refuge from the storm within
she opened her eyes breathed in exhaled with renewed sense of worth grace dignity with the expectation that even this was a blessing to be suffering
to see with compassion for the heart that bleeds the senses that are cut off the life that was drained from her countenance
she began to repair the many long lost connections of her mind heart spirit relations
opening her arms embracing everything in this way
she was cured not by any medical intervention or spiritual grounding
but by resilience and perseverance to own and live within her limits
as fully and purposefully as any spirit
 thrown here in the midst of chaos



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