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My ACHING BROKEN HEART

November 8, 2016

 

Picture

BROKEN HEART OF MINE

 

MY ACHING BROKEN HEART

how many times my heart was broken the physical loss of my sinus rhythm was superfluous by that point thrust deep inside a wound that would not heal reminded by the gaping hole each time i winced i fled from the reality that everything that mattered has been abandoned there was no supplication rest reserve for the ache it bled internally throughout the weakened muscle like a drenched doll left in a sand box you douse the fires within no one could ever touch me again without reminding me of the gnawing hole the wind groaned in the aperture making it more jagged and causing more swelling distracting throbs of remorse  come winter the cold crept in stayed played havoc with sense and semblance of trembling  kept me girded against the gale that encroached from within and without

you came to me and I dreamt that we would be together the day you three pulled away it was the hardest night of my tortured life  I cried and nothing came out I was spent  i missed every smell every sound every touch every notion that you were home and there was nothing left. You came again and every time the crippling losses were replicated we had less and less to share and less and less reason to understand. Years and years transfixed their stare like macabre reminders of the frozen wastes barren and unholy

you remained aloof you would not call write communicate to protect yourself and clearly to choose a side to keep your loss pn check yet undermined my pulse left me gasping with rails that were left unattended kept me from surrounding myself with comfort reminiscing that we were a family only served to settle scores of vengeance that would one day diminish my will to live and go on.  I resolved to forget and to numb the dissonance from all I truly wanted and steel myself to gather sustenance and begin again

I realized too late that a broken heart cannot be mended that it is gouged out like Oedipus’s eyes left grappling with the blinding pain of your departure.  Knowing fully that you would never return and turning away toward the wall I scrapped and stayed stoically afraid of all companionship of ever knowing anyone turned to the wall  wailing in deepest reveries that somewhere there was relief knowing that this would only come when there was nothing left inside no heart to mend no turn to make of the screw

Decades have passed since the fateful day you left there will never be another field or stream to wade in and ford and that is good I bow my head and cry myself to sleep praying that this is the last keep sake of the poverty of the losses that have been meted out to me throughout my lonely life

thankfully i can say that i am free and whatever happens to my physical heart my mind is swaddled in a memory of unconditional love

my writing has always been deep and tender PAUL you yanked me and then would not talk about the true meaning for writing this

randle loeb <randleloeb@gmail.com>

1:06 AM (0 minutes ago)

to PaulMichaelDar.

incidental to your perspective is that I SPOKE to each of my children and some of my grandchildren this DAY and it was full of love and memory of how proud I am, and how much they each mean to me.  I hope you figure out that I FELT not a twinge of self-pity and then you would not talk to me?  sad poetry is my trainer and reflects my love of life it is 1 am here and I am not laying a guilt trip on you either. 

I LOVE YOU

My ACHING BROKEN HEART
NOVEMBER 8, 2016


Picture

BROKEN HEART OF MINE
MY ACHING BROKEN HEART

how many times my heart was broken the physical loss of my sinus rhythm was superfluous by that point thrust deep inside a wound that would not heal reminded by the gaping hole each time i winced i fled from the reality that everything that mattered has been abandoned there was no supplication rest reserve for the ache it bled internally throughout the weakened muscle like a drenched doll left in a sand box you douse the fires within no one could ever touch me again without reminding me of the gnawing hole the wind groaned in the aperture making it more jagged and causing more swelling distracting throbs of remorse come winter the cold crept in stayed played havoc with sense and semblance of trembling kept me girded against the gale that encroached from within and without

you came to me and I dreamt that we would be together the day you three pulled away it was the hardest night of my tortured life I cried and nothing came out I was spent i missed every smell every sound every touch every notion that you were home and there was nothing left. You came again and every time the crippling losses were replicated we had less and less to share and less and less reason to understand. Years and years transfixed their stare like macabre reminders of the frozen wastes barren and unholy

you remained aloof you would not call write communicate to protect yourself and clearly to choose a side to keep your loss pn check yet undermined my pulse left me gasping with rails that were left unattended kept me from surrounding myself with comfort reminiscing that we were a family only served to settle scores of vengeance that would one day diminish my will to live and go on. I resolved to forget and to numb the dissonance from all I truly wanted and steel myself to gather sustenance and begin again

I realized too late that a broken heart cannot be mended that it is gouged out like Oedipus’s eyes left grappling with the blinding pain of your departure. Knowing fully that you would never return and turning away toward the wall I scrapped and stayed stoically afraid of all companionship of ever knowing anyone turned to the wall wailing in deepest reveries that somewhere there was relief knowing that this would only come when there was nothing left inside no heart to mend no turn to make of the screw

Decades have passed since the fateful day you left there will never be another field or stream to wade in and ford and that is good I bow my head and cry myself to sleep praying that this is the last keep sake of the poverty of the losses that have been meted out to me throughout my lonely life

thankfully i can say that i am free and whatever happens to my physical heart my mind is swaddled in a memory of unconditional love

Randle Loeb

 

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