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Alone at Last Again Thankfully

May 7, 2017

A Tall Tale Told With Conviction – No Regrets

A Separation Loneliness Anxiety Sickness Restless Irritable Condemned Exiled Violated Victim Painful Hopeless Branded Starved Solitary End 

Panic breathing lying down without catching breath a soldier of dismissal of turbulence of remorse judgmental to a fault left alone in most circumspect moments a wandering wayfarer without a place a sanctuary a way out of misery

unbearable loss when my father came back I was born but left to fend off attacks from friends, family, schoolmates, people  who perceived as a nuisance at best

more deeply troubled without scruples an opportunist taking advantage of all family, friends, classmates, colleagues, living far removed from reality on a razor’s edge

often speaking in tense guttural emanations even my mother’s father felt I was incorrigible beyond repair marooned on a solitary place of no return for the good of everyone else a victim of chaos inside a tortured tormented mind that always felt abandoned distrusted left behind literally a child without a place of refuge

a far distant cry weeping inexorably from fear that no one would ever come over call come by play with you remember you or become an ally

you spent all of your days and nights in a fantasy world that you relegated your energy to believing you were wanted by someone made up brothers friends who would never leave you or forget your name leave you alone to cry in the dark recesses of your polarized mind

one Doc said it would be better off if you were in jail that none  wanted to share their lives work live care by degrees steadily you came to accept your blind deaf and dumb state recede recede deeper deeper deeper within never let anyone know who you are or where you have been or why or what brought you to this chasm of your spirit mind 

Literally  everyone and thing you touched was lost you live in a cavern a place that no one dares to dwell

again and again you shake away the dust you wonder how is it that you survived ten or twenty or being a father husband lover or friend to anyone you wonder whether you are through this time  after thirty forty fifty sixty-five you wince at the thought that this time capsule has yet to be relegated like  the velveteen rabbit to a rubbish heap burned scattered debris to nowhere

a shroud covered you to protect you from the terrors that invaded your mind your biochemistry was a mystery even to the professional therapists who felt in unison that all you were in need of was more discipline standards rules regulations time outs places to be sent off to pine

When family came calling you scattered like the wind to a place to stay out of sight with tears running down your face you felt such misery and you were only 6

they always lauded your older sister heaped her with praise but were shocked that you were such a brat a runt a comely little waif when they chose sides for almost all activities seldom were they interested in sharing of choosing you 

bullies interminably chased you hit you called you “dirt,” would not allow you a moment to ease up from the glut

As you grew into an adult you never forgot that there was none to play with to listen to hold you to keep you care for you covet your presence in their lives.  Some predicted that you’d always be by yourself, that no companion would ever put up with you, yes certainly when you die you perceive that finally there will be relief, that you will never have to wonder again whether you’re safe – cared for – loved – full of grace  – no one will remember the agony of this life and that is what the purpose is in wresting what took place from the deepest recesses of the prison that you were thrust in by your birth when mom jettisoned herself while carrying you from the car which your father was driving

and while you may not comprehend this brand of narcissism or the vestiges of manic depressive disease they are all present and accounted for in the verse that has proceeded

Be of good cheer always have no regrets  never wish this infirmity on any child or kin of mine  let this horror pass when finally my head is laid to rest because there will be no remorse that this saga was my lot from inception until that fateful time

 

Life  is an utter challenge  breathing  and functioning in  any minor everyday natural activity like lying down and resting without gasping repeatedly for air or choking coughing and running nose in any ordinary matter of exertion.
8  areas need to be dealt with and perfusion of O2 and blood to the organs has exacerbated these issues:
  • urination and gaseous incontinence
  • arthritis especially in joints that are required for any moving like the left knee
  • right inguinal hernia that is worsening requiring intervention
  • kidney and loss of functions increasing acid urination with some serious cysts
  • eyes with cataracts and required tx at some point
  • Arrhythmia  and balance of guts and breathing that helps digest food
  • mitral valve that is misshapen and the hardship in taking medications that are dangerous  regulating those medications.
  • Teeth that continuously  crack and dissolve causing discomfort
referral after referral for labs co pays  eliciting more and more anxiety and a sense of loss of functioning
I can bend over stoop to pick something up or do nothing at all and feel like I am likely to faint.
I am going to a patient conference on studies and research models that include patients  at the Hamilton Crown Plaza Hotel  JUNE 1 to 3  and I have to get there and pack a little carry on piece of luggage  because it is Frontier it costs for everything  when i get there negotiating getting around and getting back here Saturday evening.  
I feel out of sorts and get set off by nothing and worse I feel out of it for everything that occurs. One of my friends Matt stopped relating to me at all and I wanted to have someone be an execitrux for my will and have a living will and Matt was supposed to help.
My family is utterly removed.
others stopped like Stanley, Richard, anyone at church, anyone in the community  even education and advocacy at CCH has gutted my involvement in the community because I SENSE THAT everyone like the woman I had to throw out today at CHUN deserves a place to dwell and a way of life that is focused on being valued and sensing the significance of one’s place in a lair a clan a home a family with loved ones who accept you.  
I invented my brothers to fill the void as a child there is no difference today other than I feel decrepit.
I wonder whether I’ll see 70?
then again I have to keep plodding on at Logan Studios and at CHUN to have options  and I have been surviving a long time without pause or respite.  I am scared and when I speak to Dr. Cookson it is warm and informative but there is no relief that is causal  fundamentally.
I doubt if I can keep going like this too much longer.  and I guess most importantly I am shut off alone almost all the time  
Like an empty sarcophagus waiting to nourish the earth.
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