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emptiness my mother’s untimely loss alone suffering painfully as she had lived her life in fear sickness and trembling unto an ultimate void

February 2, 2019

MA MERE   ELISE BETTY KAUDERS                  MUERTE   ENCIMA DE MI CUMPLEANO  SIETE  ANOS PASADOS Hoy es 2 de febrero de 2019  7 years ago my mother died

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According to my sister:

On the morning of Feb. 2, seven years ago, my mother, Elise Loeb was found dead in her apartment in suburban Philadelphia. She was 95 years old. She lived alone. Her neighbors across the hall suspected that something was wrong because she had The New York Times delivered every day and left on a shelf outside her door. She hadn’t picked up the paper in two days. Although Feb. 2 is listed on her death certificate as the day of her death, I suspect that she died in the night between Jan. 31 and Feb. 1. I couldn’t sleep that night. I was up and down all night long. I don’t know how to explain this. I only report this as fact: she was trying to get in touch with me on her way out of this world. She was either saying “Help me!” or “Goodbye.” Or both. I wasn’t able to help her that night. I haven’t said goodbye.


I DID SAY AU REVOIR  GOOD BYE   SLEEP on my birthday we had an argument that was propelled by her wild thoughts that I blamed her for everything that had gone wrong in my life.  SHE WAS MISTAKEN.  I did not feel anything except remorse.  Her untimely death was a sign of how she chose to shut out the world.  She died as a scared vulnerable narcissistic consumed broken down mentally ill alone old nag

MY Mom was beautiful. How fortunate she was to have lived such a long life. she felt as though she lived too long.  She wished for death.  I can only imagine what she saw and experienced in 95 years.  She suffered terror and fear and sickness unto death without end throughout her life at the hands of her mother Gertrude who also died by herself.  In many ways they were abandoned.  I can imagine that my sister will suffer in the same way.  I will chose my time and place of death at my own hands.  We all die alone and here there is no grieving  but emptiness.  Life is an unbroken river ever flowing onward to the sea disappearing in the void

I cannot reminisce.

I never was in her apartment but after her death in September I was able to go to the property thanks to Gabe a childhood neighbor. I MISS her despite the frailties of her relationship to me and my family. SADLY we did not have a pleasant exchange on my birthday January 29 a few days earlier. I am sure that her fears overcame her sense of how much I was impacted by her personality and live out her values, sense and sensibility. NEVER speak about anything without considering her perspectives. “The apple does not fall far from the tree,” in my case especially. My take

my sister’s account two years ago  interesting her perspective on this day of her death  seems that she feels that her spirit was saying good bye to the one she loved.

Her version of the last moments of my mother’s life
Five years ago this morning, I got a phone call to say that my mother had been found dead in her bathroom. Feb. 2 is officially listed as the date of her death, but I believe that she actually died on the night between Jan. 31 and Feb. 1. I say that because I was unable to sleep that night. I would doze for a little while and get up and then try to sleep again. But I couldn’t. My mother was passionate about politics and a passionate liberal. If she were alive now, I know what she would be saying. Although she could be cruel in her personal interactions, she was a passionate believer in compassion for those in need, in justice and inclusiveness for all and in the rights of women to vote, to get an education and to be in charge of their own bodies. She was a life-long Democrat. Franklin Delano Roosevelt was her hero, followed by many other Democrats, most notably, Adlai Stevenson.

I know that her descendants are carrying on her beliefs and her work — every one of us. My photo shows my mother in her apartment with some of her books (she was an avid reader up to the day of her death) with my son and with one of her great-grandsons.


Account by ma soeur  

“I’ll tell you one thing that she experienced in her 95 years. She sometimes remarked that she was born before women could vote in federal elections. On election days, she would go to the polls first thing in the morning “in case,” as she said, “something happens to me today so that I can’t get there.” Having heard about this since I was a wee child, I registered to vote on the first day that I was eligible and have never missed voting in an election since then. Something else that she experienced in her 95 years: She was born during World War I, lived through the Depression, which necessitated her dropping out of college and got married and gave birth to me during World War II. She gave birth to my brother during the Korean War. Franklin Delano Roosevelt was the first U.S. president that she ever voted for. He was her hero. I was very young, but I remember her crying when he died. The last president she ever voted for was Barack Obama. She always voted Democratic. Always! She had words for Republicans that couldn’t be published in a family newspaper. I can’t fully imagine what she would be saying now.”

“Are there people whose parents were all good or all bad so that their children could love them or revile them without reservations? If there are such parents, I marvel! If there are such children, I’m not among them.”

There are indeed such revelations of despair and loss  by that there is absence which is its own loss 

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